Realization

Following my appointment to discuss my journals and the seminar to date, I had a few important thoughts.

We discussed my need for recognition and attention, and my desire to suppress that need. And we discussed the certain lofty level on which I hold the idea of “leadership.” I think they are very much connected.

I placed leadership on a pedestal because of the Roberts Fellows. I never really thought I was a leader, or that I could handle being a leader, until I started contemplating my application to the program. Once I was accepted, I felt required to lead – like if I didn’t, I wasn’t living up to what Donna Roberts hoped for us as Fellows, or what the selection committee saw in us. That is why I struggled so much with the first chapter: stage management is not leadership – it is facilitation, structure, management. I felt that I was somehow not fulfilling my “duty” to the program. I felt that I had to find “leadership” in everything that I did in order to meet the expectations of the program.

Initially, I was searching for something against which I could measure my potential or my abilities – something I’d been missing in my theatre classes. Of course the professors give you grades in your class work or attempt to guide you through time at SVSU, but I didn’t feel challenged or “attended to,” for lack of a better phrase. I didn’t feel that I could go to a professor and receive pure, honest feedback as to where I was at in my development as a stage manager. That is why I craved recognition so much. It wasn't that I needed the compliment – but I had nothing to measure myself against. I do hours upon hours of work, but still have no idea where I stand on my path to becoming a professional stage manager. Acceptance to the Roberts Fellows was something that could act like a “check point” or proof that “I still had it.” It was something that could measure achievement and then push me to achieve more. The title of being a Roberts Fellow was something very lofty in my mind and with that, leadership became very lofty as well.

Perhaps I was missing the point, but I think I understand it better now. It’s perhaps not about achieving more, but about discovering more. The point is to discover the ability to reach ones highest potential. The point is to open avenues to success, whatever that success may be to each individual person. By actively pursuing my dreams and goals, succeeding in them, and becoming successful in my chosen path, I am fulfilling my expectation, both of myself and of the program.  Maybe I am building a path towards leadership; maybe I am opening a door to mentorship of those around me; maybe I am simply focusing on myself – my own achievement and happiness – while letting the rest fall in to place. In the end, I think that is something greater than the lofty idea of leadership that I had initially acquired.